Friday, April 4, 2008

iSport energy squeeze with Tuarine! and Electrolytes!

i've discovered the path to my fortune.

it is paved with marketing slogans and bits of my soul.

what do you get when you mix the three most popular (and idiotic) premium consumer products:

1) energy drinks
2) sport anything
3) techno luxury

let me introduce: the iSport energy squeeze with Tuarine! and Electrolytes!

it is a technologically advanced luxurious premium mix of replenishment and energization.

basically, red bull meets gatorade plus high fashion techno luxury.

it is a gel-form mix of high fructose corn syrup, sugar, caffeine, salt, and tuarine (whatever that is)

it will be sold under five different brand names (each emphasizing a different strength of the formulation, but each owned by me) in 3 different parts of your local grocery or convenience store.

my inspiration (from real life, i promise):

iFood - a tray of sandwiches available from a local deli. notice how well that ties in with the technological luxury brand image created by the ipod? yeah, me too.

Flav-R-Pops Sport with Electrolytes! - just like regular flav-r-pops, but with salt (i hate to spoil it for sport drink fans, but Electrolytes = salt. sport drink = water + salt. no kidding. there is a reason your sport drink and sweat both taste similar and both taste salty. it is because they are full of salt.)

Diphenhydramine HCL - aka Benadryl, Unisom, and Nytol, plus generic versions and alternative brands with precisely zero distinguishing features other than branding. you can find it in the sleep aid, antihistamine, and cold&flu sections. careful not to use the wrong one, though. who knows what might happen. you might get sleepy as a side effect of your pill for clear sinuses, instead of getting clear sinuses as a side effect of your gel cap that helps you get to sleep.

honestly. sometimes, the world we live in is too ridiculous for words.

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